How to deal with Indian parents when dating a Caucasian girl? - white girlfriend | Ask MetaFilter
The Burden Of Being a Indian Girl (Interracial relationships & arranged I will bring to the family if I date/marry a non-Indian or even date at all? being trapped in a loveless arranged marriage for my parent's sake scares me. Like most Desi parents, her parents weren't thrilled, but came around and When I was younger, I didn't want to date girls of my ethnic group because I .. There are multiple interracial marriages (white, Chinese AFAIK) in my. (I had to ask my mom, and her mandatory dating/relationships talk left me with the impression that I should never ever take my clothes off until I.
And seriously, you can't sleep over there as much as you're doing and still hide it. She's going to have to learn to sleep with a teddy bear or something, because all the sleepovers is an obvious red flag.
You don't want to get busted and cut off for this right now, right? This is going to be an exhausting, years-long battle, don't fight it with them until you absolutely have to. Make sure that you can take care of yourself first, and that your girlfriend is worth that.
Maybe this will be seen by the mods as "not an answer to the question", but it's something I think about every time these questions come up. And I feel like it might be valuable advice for any young person facing parental disapproval. Everyone, regardless of race, regardless of class, regardless of what country your parents are from, has to establish their own identity separate from their parents in order to become an adult.
You just have to. There is no way to not do this. Now, for some people -- and it's really hard to know whether you'll be one of those people, until you find yourself in this situation -- doing that is harder than you'd like it to be. I was one of those people, which is why I have a lot of feelings about it, over a decade later. And so you come to a point.
The point you're at right now. Your parents disapprove of something about your life, and they are not afraid to do batshit crazy stuff like forbid you from leaving the house in order to erase this thing they don't like about you. You have two choices here. You can submit to them treating you like a nine year old. This probably sounds like the most attractive option right now, because the stakes aren't all that high and your parents have a degree of control over your life that makes rebellion inconvenient.
And I think for people who never had to face that fundamental disapproval, those people will always see this as the prudent choice. Or you can rip off the bandaid. Let them be disappointed. Let them rage, and try to ground you, and throw temper tantrums. There's nothing they can really do to you to keep you from being who you are. And the thing about letting them rage is that, sooner or later, it won't seem so scary to you.
Which will free you up to make the kinds of choices you need to make. Better to watch them throw tantrums over how many nights a week you go out, or your girlfriend's background, and see this behavior for what it is. Now, it's true that your parents might kick you out or stop paying for school. You should definitely weigh all the consequences before you decide the time is right to rip off the bandaid.
Don't throw away a world class education for the sake of seeing your girlfriend that one extra night every week. If you don't have a couch you could crash on, a loan you could apply for, a job you could get, then maybe the time really isn't right. I was disowned by my parents when I was 19, over something that is really stupid in hindsight it also had to do with my dating life.
It was a really bad time in my life. But it also turned me into the adult I needed to become. And it was worth learning that disappointing your parents isn't the end of the world.
They will be so relieved when they find out she's white! No, I'm just joking. When you're ready, you will experience what Sara C.
Everyone has their own voice apart from their parents and the whole problem in your question is that yours isn't loud enough yet. Biologically I'm a part-Indian, part-German woman who grew up outside of Indian culture both cultures, really. I really didn't know anything about Indian culture at all until university where I was roommates with an Indian woman from my high school.
About five years ago she had an arranged marriage to an Indian man, with whom she completely and mutually fell in love with in the process of the engagement. He also happened to be the oldest son which meant they'd move in with his parents.
Once the wedding was over, their marriage seemed to nosedive right into a dark period wherein her parents-in-law aggressively exalted their parental authority over them. For the first couple years their marriage suffered tremendously.
However she maintained that she was in love with the man they had arranged her with, and she had already started her family with him. She and I had a single visit after she got married, wherein she confided her struggles and maintained her course of action.
This was followed by radio silence for a few years, with the odd message maybe once a year. Yes, compared to Western standards and through a Western lens we may describe this as dysfunctional, but interwoven in the choices of you and your parents truly is a value system plainly different from that of Western society. There's more than just dysfunction at work here -- there is a clash and blending of cultures on multiple fronts, which leads me to another nugget from my life experience I can share with you I also happen to have a German female cousin who married a Sikh-Indian man her high school sweetie.
You bet his parents reacted adversely to her from the onset, yet several years later my cousin and her beau and their three lovely boys are still here, still managing to navigate his parents. Sure, some things are still powerful points of contention the boys go to church, not the templebut consider this: And from my perspective, whether you go traditional or western in choosing a woman to be with, it seems to stand that regardless of whether she's a perfect ethnic fit or not, you will still have to contend with bringing your girlfriend into a strongly traditional family.
So just some food for thought from my perspective. I'd also like to add, do recognize that even though your girlfriend is "white" that doesn't mean she's necessarily lacking a possibly contentious cultural identity of her own.
I know it wasn't easy for my German cousin on both fronts; she was from the proud German branch of the family and also had to maintain her choice of husband to her own relatives. Both women in these stories have my admiration for that. In short, I think your best bet is to definitely wait until you're sure the relationship is serious, that this is the woman you want to marry, and that she is on the same page with you before introducing her to your parents.
If you're truly serious about her, then building your own autonomy and getting out from under your parents' roof will without question make the process of introducing your parents to her go much more smoothly for all parties. FWIW, I think it's quite an auspicious coincidence you posted this question today, as this morning for the first time in the four years since she married, I had lunch with my Indian friend.
She's a happy mother of two, is still happy with her husband, and has found her power in balanced relation to the respect she has for her in-laws as well as her cultural identity. In fact we were chatting about the how "white is right" mentality can be almost poisonous to Indian identity, and how Westerners simply do not have all the answers. Even if we can only start seeing each other once or twice a year, I know it's signal she's been figuring things out and that's fine by me.
The crucial part of your story is that you live at home. Their house, their rules. They love you, but they can make your home life miserable if they find out. Plan on moving out. Plan on losing their financial support when you do tell them, and you should, but only after you move out. Plan on them being angry and obstinate, maybe for a short time, maybe for a really long time. Plan on losing them, at least for a while.
Marrying outside the Indian race - stories? : ABCDesis
It will be painful, but it will be a necessary step in leaving the nest and making your own life. Do you want to follow what your parents want or do you want to follow what you want in your life? You don't have to decide this tonight or tell your parents tonight. Finish school, get a job, move out of family home. Gradually assert your independence. And, for the love of God, don't string a woman along for years just to settle with the parents wishes!
Or equally worse, marry the girl of parents choice, have kids, get frustrated with life and then start having affairs or hitting on other women to make up for what you "missed". You can blame your parents and culture for only so long. Part of growing up means taking responsibility for your life and decisions. You haven't given us enough information to know if that's true.
However they react though, taking responsibility for your own life and decisions is something you absolutely must do, background culture aside, and this will make any difficult experience in your life easier, whether it's this specific situation or not.
Your parents love you. Whenever they think about the people you're dating or will date, they are not just thinking about her. Their thoughts are tied in with their experiences coming to this country, their expectations of how she will interact with them, how they will interact with her parents, how the rest of your family will interact with her family, how both families will interact with your kids. But there is no doubt in their minds that they love you completely and that they want to love the person you end up with even if she's white, and they know it, because they have definitely considered that possibility — promise.Boo Thang Q&A: Interracial Marriage Edition
And, while everyone has their opinions, I think that the whole idea of families coming together is a pretty awesome thing and should be preserved. Heck, in a Punjabi wedding we have the milni - literally "meeting" - ceremony where all the relatives meet each other before the bride and groom meet up for the ceremony. My point is that I don't think the right method for you and your parents to work through the ups and downs of your dating life is through butting heads, stamping feet and ultimatums.
The only method I've seen work in my family and for myself after 15 years of figuring it out through lots of butting heads, stamping feet and ultimatums with them is through love and kindness personally, I wish lots of problems in society were solved from that perspective but that's even more off topic.
Not to say that there won't be arguments or dark periods along the way — there most certainly will — but they want you to be happy from the perspective of love, and it's the best way for the whole thing to work when dealing with them. What that means for your present situation and whoever you date in the future is that you both need to love each other and, when you bring your relationship public, do it from the perspective of respect and kindness as a team.
As I mentioned before, I dated and introduced my parents to non-Indian girls I had serious relationships with. Some, they really liked and some they really hated.
In hindsight, the girls they liked eventually, and often with many false starts, but eventually were the ones where our relationship was built on love and respect for each other and our mutual respect for those around us.
Naturally, that's not just "an Indian thing", but for your parents it's the only way they can approach the issues around who you're with. So, when I suggested waiting to tell them, I'm mainly saying that there's no immediate rush to tell them. Figure out your relationship with the girl, figure out what you both want now and in the future. Basically, build a strong relationship with the person you're with then approach your parents with some of the strategies I suggested above.
The part where she's not Indian will be really tough for them, but at least you and her will have figured your own stuff out before approaching your parents. She will certainly need to be strong through it and should be willing to be strong with you.
And they've totally thought about these things, too. They just have, unfortunately, very different ways of approaching the solutions and poor ways to communicate having been raised in a very different way, on the other side of the world. This is a wildly inappropriate and simplistic thing to say. Please do not tell the OP--and literally millions of other people in similar situations--that they suck at being an adult because they are struggling to find a balance between living autonomously while maintaining a good relationship with their parents.
Possibly relevant bio about me: My wife did not tell her father about me--and I did not meet him--until about three months before I proposed marriage. Although my wife and I did not personally experience the challenges that you describe because her immediate family holds pretty cosmopolitian attitudes toward these issues, I know that some of my wife's distant relatives, and some of her closest friends, have had a more difficult time. You have my sympathies.
I think that jenfullmoon pretty much nails it exactly. Well, except in India. She goes to the University of Missouri and we met studying abroad. What advice would you have for a guy who may be interested in dating a Brown Girl? I never set out to date a brown person. At no point did I think to myself: And have fun, of course!
Guy Panel: Interracial Dating
What advice would you have for a Brown Girl in an interracial relationship? I can say, though, try to learn how to drive a manual transmission car. What is it about South Asian women that appeals to you? It was more circumstance than anything else that brought us together. Sheela and Andrew show us that an interracial relationship can work and they are fun!
All my life I had been told to shun boys and focus on my education and career, and now that the fruits of my labor were at last beginning to peek out of the dense, leafy foliage, I was faced with this alarming u-turn, and told that in reality, none of this would bring my parents any satisfaction or happiness at all.
They had to act now, before I grew too fond of my independence, before I began to test the boundaries of my Indian womanhood, set so painstakingly for me since childhood, before I met someone like you. I love you but I must leave you. How can I explain to you why their happiness hinges not on my own happiness and trust in my abilities, but on this meticulous desire to control every aspect of my life, to tie my destiny irrevocably with this man I do not know, and do not care for?
You have shown me nothing but respect and kindness and patience in the years that I have known you, but know that he will always be preferable to you, even if he demands lavish gifts and all expenses for the wedding to be borne by my parents.
For Indian men have such high standards, unlike men of your race, and he is doing me such a 'favor' by agreeing to marry me. Who am I to be so ungrateful as to refuse?
Your parents have welcomed me into their homes and hearts with open arms, simply because you chose to love me. Yet you will never be good enough for me, even though his parents treat me like an outsider, a performer of domestic tasks, nothing more than a bedroom companion for their adult son.
My parents say that your type cannot be trusted, that if, one day, we no longer see eye to eye, you will divorce me and leave me to live your life apart. The Indian man will never do so. If our personalities are not compatible, I will be forever locked in the security and safety of the loveless marriage, and endless years of apathy, hatred and depression. Unlike you, he will never make me suffer the indignity of living as a divorced woman, with the freedom to live independently, travel the world or seek the love of another man.
And what of this baby in my tummy? Your face broke into a smile of delight when I whispered the news to you in tremulous tones. You said that we would raise him together, love him unconditionally till our dying day. But you know this can never be.
And only an Indian parent has the strength, the unshakable mettle, to put honour, tradition and duty above all else, even an only daughter.